Evan's First Post

by Evan

Holy shit is this the first time I'm posting on my own blog? Fuck yes it is and it's great to be here.  So ya maybe Ben got a little head start with 15 god damn posts before I even put up 1, but but it takes time to be this good at what I do. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm lazy as all hell. Actually getting around to writing a post has taken me so long, I'm not sure Ben even thinks we're doing this blog thing anymore. I'm not even talking about relevant shit here, I just figured I might offer you the chance to get to know me before you waste a few precious minutes of your life actually reading the shit I write. And if it wasn't clear yet, this isn't gonna be a pg-13 fucking blog. I'm gonna write about the shit I wanna write about, and I'll say what I wanna say dammit. Freedom of speech, it's in the constitution, and that shit's like the bible.

All of my posts come with a side of freedom, and red, white, and blue for dessert. I'm pretty sure you can't even call yourself an American if you don't own at least one shirt with an eagle or a flag on it. The founding fathers definitely wrote that somewhere in the Declaration of Independence. Like "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men should rock USA attire at least once a week or thou est not a bro."

So ya, I guess what I'm really trying to say is enjoy the blog and USA! USA! USA!


http://hypervocal.com/news/2012/badass-patriotic-drawings-july-4/

Summer is Coming!

By Ben

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SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE BABY GIRL! For everyone who has awesome plans like going on a road trip or summering somewhere special to work or stay with friends, I am insanely jealous.

Some of us less fortunate students will be spending this summer working. Whether that is going to be for an internship or working on a generic summer job, it sucks either way. Not much you can do about it, college costs money and so does everything else you want.

In this post I want to talk about how bullshit it is that we never truly have an extended break. Nobody does. Parents, adults, CEOs, students, etc. After maybe your freshman year summer in high school it just goes down hill.

Basically the rest of my life looks like this: go to college for a few months every year, work the rest of the months so that I can go back to college the next year. When I graduate college I'll work every day with occasional breaks lasting no longer than a week or two. Sick.

I miss the summers of middle school and freshman year where I legitimately had not a single care in the world. Go to the town beach every single day, bike to friends house since we didn't have our licenses yet, hang out with girls, etc. Those were the best days and they are never coming back.

Yeah the parties are better and we can practically do whatever we want, but I feel as if I'm facing a locked in fate of working for the rest of my life and it intimidates me. I want to experience things, I want to travel, I want to live off the land for a year at some point. I want to do cool ass shit that I probably won't get to do that much of because I'm going to be in constant need of that green shit that runs our lives.

Just something to think about, it's kind of fucked up.


Ps. This will be me this summer:

http://www.humansarefunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/cubicle-1.png

Applying for Internships and Finishing Schoolwork

By Ben

What's up guys? I just wanted to come on here and apologize for not posting at all today, I was out of school sick with pneumonia and the flu all last week and I'm really behind in my schoolwork. Also, on top of that, it's officially internship panic season where every student on campus is desperately trying to find an internship. I've spent several hours today alone applying to a variety of business internships and summer assistant positions. I'll be sure to post more tomorrow, sorry about that, guys!

Why I'm Glad I wrestled in Highschool

By Ben

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In highschool I was undeniably an athlete. I played on three different varsity sports for four years straight, graduating with 12 varsity letters (the most possible). However, despite all of my involvement in different clubs and sports nothing has come even close to as beneficial as wrestling has. Here's why:

1) Fighting: Quite frankly, nobody wants to fuck with a wrestler. When you're ranked in the state or known to be a good wrestler people are not interested in getting in a tussle or bothering you. If you are to encounter an altercation you almost always have the upper hand. How many fights end up on the ground? Almost all of them. The second a fight involving a wrestler hits the ground it's as good as over.

2) Self-discipline: No other sport takes the self-discipline and determination that wrestling does. Not only is it one of the most challenging sports to participate in physically, it is even tougher mentally. Cutting weight is brutal (yes I know wrestling is not the only sport that involves cutting weight) and takes a toll on the body and the mind. When you're ten pounds overweight and have to weigh in the next day you're overcome with a sense of hopelessness and defeat. It takes a tough person to deal with the workouts alone without practically including forcing an eating disorder upon yourself.

3) The sense of accomplishment: When you go out there against an opponent it's just you and them. No other factors, nobody else to blame, it all comes down to who is better on that day. The fact that the fate of your match rests on your shoulders and your shoulders alone is special and rare in sports today. It annihilates the possibility of making excuses and gives wrestlers an unspoken respect for one another.

4) The fact that a match is not over until it's over: When you play lacrosse and you're down by ten points in the fourth quarter it's almost a guaranteed defeat coming your way. Wrestling is unique in the fact that no matter how badly you're losing you can always pull out a win. For those of you who are unfamiliar with wrestling the point system works like this: two points for a takedown, one point for an escape, two points for a reversal, two points for having someone on a shoulder blade for three seconds, three points for having someone on their shoulder blade for five seconds, and single points occasionally given for illegal moves and penalties. Regardless of the score of a match however, putting both of your opponents shoulder blades on the mat for two or three seconds (really depends on the ref) ends the match with you the victor. This is hands down the best part of wrestling for me. There is a never ending sense of urgency, you're never safe and you've never lost until that final whistle blows. Every single person who has ever wrestled has won matches they had no right winning and lost matches they should have been able to win in their sleep. Happens to the best of us, happens to the worst of us. Moral of the story is that wrestling taught me to never give up and to never take my position for granted. That's something that more people should understand.

My Grandmother's Alzheimers

By Ben

Hey guys, I know this is a little more somber than our average post here at The Dorm Room, but I wanted to share this with you guys. I had a school project in which I had to communicate memory to a reader, viewer, or listener through some form of expression. My grandmother passed away this past December and I thought this was a perfect opportunity to create a form of remembrance for her. I wrote a rather long poem/song that captures my understanding of my grandmother's situation as I aged and matured. I plan to hand write a copy and give it to both my father and grandfather.The font shrinking as the poem goes on is meant to represent the fading of my original memories of my grandmother as I grow up.

This is my story.

Ode to Janet

It is difficult to describe how I remember you

For as years slipped away, my memory has too

But despite the years past, I know where to start

Because to look into your eyes was to see into a pure heart

You were a kind soul; all you ever did was give

You may be the most genuine person that has ever lived

I have never once heard negativity come out of your mouth

For negativity was something you could do without

Forever the enthusiast, you supported everything I did

You loved me the way a mother loves her own kid

A woman of respect, beauty, and grace

These are qualities no disease could erase

I hope someday my daughter grows to be like the Janet from my past

Because you’re the kind of woman who’s memory will always last

You’d read me Green Eggs and Ham as I sat upon your lap

You always came bearing gifts that I couldn’t wait to unwrap

You brought my favorite muffins, delicious as could be

You always knew the best ways to spoil me

You’d stand by my bed and tell me a story as I fell asleep

You were the first one to run to me if I were to weep

A grandmother is someone who can never be replaced

They love you, care for you, and protect you when your heart aches

I wish I could go back, knowing what I know now, and see you once again

I wonder if you’d recognize your favorite little Ben

As time passes by, memories begin to fade

No matter what we do, they slowly wash away

Eroding from the mind, like a stone in a stream

Until all that’s left is a shadow of a dream

Like a word unreachable on the tip of your tongue

You forget what was true back when you were young

For you it was different, your memories faded fast

But my memories from when you were whole are the ones I want to last

I don’t remember exactly when I began to notice the change

But slowly things shifted; when you were here you were strange

You’d yell at Grandpa begging him to take you home

I’d listen from the top of the stairs, scared and alone

I didn’t know what was wrong and why you were being so mean

This was a side of you that I had never seen

I began to notice the differences, I caught on pretty quick

Daddy said you had Alzheimer’s and that you were sick

I was just a little boy, I didn’t really understand

So Daddy sat me down and explained while he held my hand

He said “Grandma is forgetting things, it’s part of her disease”

“All we can do is do our best to make sure that she’s at ease”

I went to bed confused and a little bit scared

Of how bad it would really be, I was completely unaware.

Slowly I noticed visits were fewer and farther between

I had reached an age where I knew what this must mean

I had heard my parents whispering about you getting lost around town

And how you got brought home by cops who found you wandering around

You had forgotten what roads would bring you back home

It had reached the point where it was unsafe for you to roam

I knew it was bad, but the severity took me by surprise

It really hit me when I looked into your eyes

I’ll never forget that look on your face

No recognition of who I was, as if I had been replaced

We are your family, but to you we were strangers

At times you even thought we were a danger

It broke my heart to look at you and see you looking back

Knowing that I could do nothing to put you back on track

As time passes by, memories begin to fade

No matter what we do, they slowly wash away

Eroding from the mind, like a stone in a stream

Until all that’s left is a shadow of a dream

Like a word unreachable on the tip of your tongue

You forget what was true back when you were young

For you it was different, your memories faded fast

But my memories from when you were whole are the ones that I want to last

It got bad to the point where my Grandpa needed help

He had come to his limit, he couldn’t do it himself

So eventually you moved out, and into your new home

But never once did he leave you alone

He visited you every day and I did when I could

If I was able to more often you know that I would

Despite the distance I prayed for you every night

I prayed for you to live, and for you to be alright

But I spent long nights awake, thinking in fear

Dreading the possibility that the end was near

I didn’t know how much time that you had

It haunted my whole family, especially my Dad

Then sleep came, from which you would never arise

You would never again open those beautiful eyes

We all wept for hours, hearts breaking in two

I couldn’t accept that I’d never again see you

The hardest part for me was not being able to say goodbye

But even if I had, you would not have replied

I knew you were in a better place but that didn’t make it easy

I didn’t sleep that night, my stomach felt too queasy

Even though you’ve closed your eyes to rest forever

I know you’ll be watching me through my future endeavors

I miss you grandma, more than words could ever describe

But I know that I am blessed to have had you in my life

As time passes by, memories begin to fade

No matter what we do, they slowly wash away

Eroding from the mind, like a stone in a stream

Until all that’s left is a shadow of a dream

Like a word unreachable on the tip of your tongue

You forget what was true back when you were young

For you it was different, your memories faded fast

But my memories from when you were whole are the ones that I want to last

I love you very much, and I always will

Memories fade in time, but Love remains still

Fights

By Ben

Alright guys, so I gotta ask this one. At what point is it reasonable to start a fight? Let's assume we're talking drunk college kids at a party, at one point can you throw a punch and not look like a huge douchebag? When they disrespect you? When they get in your face? When they get in your boy's face? Seriously, help a brother out here cuz I have no fucking idea.

This is a topic today because of two nights ago. I had maybe a little too much to drink before going  out to the soccer team's party. Went to the soccer suite, there were a ton of people there. I'm standing in a hallway talking to a girl when some kid comes up and starts pounding on one of the bedroom doors. I'm talking like kicking the door, banging on it as hard as he can, screaming at the top of his lungs. Basically just making a huge seen and being fucking annoying. I guess it was the kids room and he couldn't get in because someone was fucking on his bed but hey, that's his problem.

So after a minute or two of this kid throwing a tantrum outside the door I turn to him and say "Bro, knocking louder will DEFINITELY make him open the door. Trust me." The kid FREAKS out. Like I'm talking starts screaming so loud he's spitting on me, calling me a pussy piece of shit and a bitch and telling me to get out of the party because it's "his suite" and he can kick out whoever the fuck he wants. Yeah bro, sick. You live here, dope.

So the kids in my face screaming at me close enough I could have kissed the motherfucker and all I say is "You want me out? Remove me yourself you fucking pussy." Kid goes off. Absolutely loses his mind, not that I cared. At this point I was pretty heated too and I was absolutely done with this kids shit. A couple of the guys on the team saw the whole thing go down and as soon as they could tell it was going south they grabbed me. I did NOT want to leave. I was fighting all six of them as they tried to take me out of the room, all I wanted to do was go toe to toe with that motherfucker who thought he was hot shit.

When I got outside the seniors on the team were telling me to calm down and that I was being an asshole. Yeah, I chirped the kid but who fucking cares? Kids chirp all the time. If you're gonna take it personally and get in my face for it you have to at least be ready to throw up fists, right? Like it doesn't make sense to get in a kids face and tell him hes a pussy piece of shit if you're not going to fight him. Whatever, kid wasn't worth it anyway.

But seriously guys, at what point is it okay to throw the punch and not look like a prick? If you ask me, that motherfucker was asking for it.

Chick Makes a Lego Resume

By Ben

http://media3.onsugar.com/files/2014/03/28/775/n/1922507/17f09e44fe19cebe_hIsUPxq.xxxlarge/i/Lego-Resume.jpg

Get the full story at: http://www.aol.com/article/2014/03/28/woman-s-lego-resume-has-people-talking/20859092/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl6%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D458876

AOL- "A college student made a resume out of LEGOs. She created a Lego version of herself, packaged it like the toy and put a resume inside!"

That'll certainly stand out from the pile. Bowman is majoring in Communication Studies at Northwestern University. She says a potential employer asked her to "create a piece of persuasive advertising with you as the product." Well, she literally did just that!

So I guess this chick made a lego model of herself, customized the package to feature her characteristics and submitted her resume with it? Genius. I wish I had thought of this. If this came across my desk I would instantly hire this chick. Its crazy, its different, its creative. Those are the kinds of people I would want working for me because these are the kinds of people who expand businesses. Seriously, I cannot give this chick enough credit. In today's day and age it's exceedingly difficult to differentiate yourself from your peers in what is an increasingly competitive market and this is the golden ticket to getting noticed.

What's weird to think about is what if crazy resume ideas like this become commonplace? What if every single person tries to do something unique and different to be noticed? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? It's hard to tell. If everyone's different, you're all the same. 

With modern business evolving exponentially every time you blink this could be the next new thing to get hired. Get crazy, get creative, make yourself shine. Take after this chick ladies and gents, she clearly knows what she's doing. She's being noticed, and that's the name of the game. 

FIRST EVER MAKE 'EM WET MONDAY!

By Ben

Alright guys so from here on out I'll be posting a bit called "Make 'em Wet Monday" every Monday. Basically, its gonna be a short piece where I give you fuckers a pick up line to try out. Only the best pick up lines here, none of this corny shit that won't ever work.

So you see this girl (left) at a party and you've never talked to her before? Big deal. Grow a pair of balls, walk up to that chick and say, "Hey, I'm (Insert your name). I couldn't help but notice you and I had a question for you." The chicks gonna be like oh god whats this squid gonna ask me. Then you pull out this puppy: "I was wondering, does it make you self conscious to be the most attractive girl in the room?"

BAM. She's yours. eternally in love with you, that line is so good you'll have to get a restraining order when you're done with her. Trust me, its a gift but a curse. Use it wisely.

Final Four

By Ben

Well looks like I pretty much could not have been more off about my final four predictions. Arizona and both Michigans lost, who would have thunk it? Honestly though I'm not even mad. I'm pretty amped that uconn made it this far. I never saw that in a million years. Good for them though, good for them good for the program.

What's not cool is the police brutality videos coming out on youtube. Bro, cops are here to protect the students not assault them. This is like Blarney all over again. Figure it the fuck out campus PDs everywhere.

Seriously though, uconn fuckin partied hard after they made it into the final four, as they should.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIc4mdV_6pk    *disclaimer: I did not take the above video*

March Madness Reaches the Elite Eight

By Ben

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So obviously this time of year everybody is talking about March madness. Basketball this basketball that so and so is going all the way yada yada yada. So coming from somebody who is not that into March Madness- My bracket sucks. Absolutely fucking sucks. Like I should probably never participate in March Madness again it was so bad. The only thing I've still got going for me is the fact that I chose Michigan to come out victorious. I'm predicting Arizona vs Michigan and a Michigan state vs Florida final four. How confident am I? Way more confident than I should be. Final is going to be Michigan vs Florida with Michigan taking the Ship. Count on it.

A Moron's Guide to Getting A Girl Back to Your Room

By Ben
















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So many of you out there probably don't get laid that often. We've all got something working against us, whether its shitty game, a small dick, or an out of shape body you don't love to show off. There are ways around these things, however. And no I don't mean take "Extenze" or hit the gym (get off your lazy ass and do it anyway).

The fact of the matter is not a single human being on this planet understands women. Not even other women understand women. There are practically different classes of women for Christ's sake. There's the preppy girl, the slut, the tanning obsessor, the party animal, the athlete, the good girl, the girl who respects her body the committed student, the daddy's little girl, and many many more. Does one method work for every category of girl? NO ABSOLUTELY NOT.

You've gotta create your plan of attack differently depending on the type of girl you're going after. For example, party girls and sluts are much more likely to go home from a party with you than a good girl or a girl who respects her body. You've gotta know when you're willing to play the long game and more importantly when you're going to need to/ whether or not its worth it.

For this post we're going to focus on the party girls and sluts who are just out there trying to have a good time.

Say you're at a house party and people are dancing and you see an absolute smoke leaning up against the wall. What do you say to her? Some people like to try a corny pickup line, however this (despite being occasionally effective) is unreliable. Just go up to her not seeming too interested and strike up a conversation. Don't be a pussy. RADIATE CONFIDENCE. I can not highlight this enough, girls fucking love confident guys. You're sexy and you know it, smile, wink, flirt, charm the shit out of her. Eventually, if everything is going well, ask her to dance.

Okay so now you're dancing. You've gotta feel this part out carefully and read the signals she's sending. If shes dancing like a huge whore (I'm talking she puts your hands on her tits and she's completely bent over) you're probably in. If she dances with you for two songs and shows no signs of being bored or wanting to dance with someone else, its safe to go in for the neck kiss. Statistics show that 100% of girls love it when their necks get kissed.

You're kissing her neck now. She's probably getting more into the dancing, maybe taking your hands and putting them on her tits or crotch area (if you hadn't put them there yourself already). Eventually (usually like 15-30 seconds) after you start kissing her neck she'll turn her head and start making out with you. At this point you're doing fucking fantastic, keep it up. After a minute or two of this she'll turn around and you'll grind from the front and continue making out. You're killing it bro, I'm envious right now.

Now here's the huge make it or break it: getting her back to the room. You know you want her to go back, you think she wants to go back, how do you execute. First of all make sure it's been long enough/it's late enough (no girl wants to go back at 10:30). Also, make sure you've been dancing long enough and hooking up long enough that she's not just gonna bounce to the next guy but not go back with you. You've gotta make sure she's definitely interested in getting it in. If that's the case you've got a question to ask.

Do you wanna get out of here? This party is lame, let's go back to the dorms. I've got this KICKASS vodka back in my room if you wanna come take a shot with me? Any of these work however I usually use the vodka one (I always have some in my fridge, whether its an exciting brand or not). Pray to god she says yes, and after that enjoy yourself son.

You've Gotta Be Allowed to Drink After a Double OT Victory, Right?

By Ben















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Alright so here's what happened; yesterday after a thrilling double overtime victory for my college lacrosse team a bunch of the guys decided to go out. Our coach has a very strict "48 hour rule" where we cannot drink 48 hours before a game. We do have a game Saturday which means that drinking on Thursday night would be violating this rule. The guys went out anyway, were seen by a senior who was sober, and got ratted on to coach. Now there are eleven kids on our team who are suspended for tomorrows game.

Is this a dickhead move on coaches part or the seniors part? The coach should understand the need to celebrate after a win like that one! Let up, let the kids live who fucking cares if they have a few beers after getting a W? The senior technically did the right thing by telling coach, but still seems a little shitty to me. Settle it with the guys, punish them in a way that doesn't get them suspended. Just seems unnecessary. What do you guys think? Answer in the comments section.

Wilfork, You Back Bro?

By Ben

http://www.nflwallpaperhd.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Vince-Wilfork-England-Patriots-Player-for-Desktop-Wallpaper.jpg

What’s that? I’m a little late to the “Vince Wilfork staying in New England” party? Yeah, I am, I needed my beauty sleep.

Whatever. Moral of the story is this fucking animal is staying in New England! Look at Belichick working wonders per usual. We lose Talib and replace him with an upgrade, add offensive weapons to Brady’s arsenal, and manage to hold on to arguably our best defensive player after he requests a release. Magic. Pure fucking magic.

3 years $22.5 million with $3 million guarenteed? Jesus christ I wish I was good at football.

Also, don’t overlook the fact that this means that Wilfork will almost definitely retire a patriot. That’s huge. Vince is one of the guys people think about when they think New England Patriots. It would have been a real shame to have to see him go.

Also, belichick right now:

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Where the Fuck is the Malaysian Plane?

By Ben

Alright so at this point I’m sure all of you have heard about the Malaysian plane that went missing. 239 passengers and the thing just vanishes into thin air. How is that possible? It’s not. It’s also hard to imagine someone landing this thing and tricking several countries radars. Whatever the case, here are a few possibilities that I think are feasible.

1) The plane was taken by a terrorist group or country to be used as a weapon.

Especially after 9/11 the United States is especially cautious when it comes to air traffic control and protection. It is feasible that an unknown party seized control of the plane with the intention of loading it full of explosives and using it in some sort of 9/11. However, for this to be possible, the group would have had to fly the plane through several countries radar systems undetected as well as land the plane (which is no easy task with a plane that big). It’s most likely not in a hangar since most hangars of the size needed for this plane are known by the government and most likely have already been searched. Now, it is possible that the airliner could have flown in another planes “shadow” (flying close enough that the two planes come up as one blip on a radar) and there WAS a plane heading the direction they diverted to, however they would have had to fly as close as 1000m for this to trick military radars. For this to be possible every single passenger on board must be dead (RIP). They could not simply collect phones, someone would find a way to hide it. They could have potentially flown to 45,000 ft and depressurized the cabin. Air masks would fall but they run out in 12-15 minutes. In this scenario the pilots too would perish unless they had a separate supply of oxygen which is entirely possible. Is it possible? Yes. Likely? Maybe not so much. Absolutely fucking terrifying if this is what happened? 100%.

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2) terrorists shot it down as practice. 

Terrorists 100% do have the fire power to shoot this thing down. Why would I think they did it as practice and not simply an act of terrorism? If it was an intended act of terrorism the group responsible would have taken credit for it and tried to strike fear in the hearts of countries around the world. Instead, nobody says anything. Why else but they used it as a practice run unless they have some twisted underlying purpose. There are weapons that would annihilate this plane and leave no trace or debris to be found. Definitely feasible, however I think this option is unlikely.

http://cdn.breitbart.com/mediaserver/Breitbart/Big-Peace/2012/Russia/missile-defense.png

3) Electrical malfunction on board caused an international incident.

It’s entirely possible that the electronics on board the plane malfunctioned which caused the plane to go into emergency protocol and change route to the nearest airport. This would explain the change of course without relay to the radio control towers. If this were to happen it is possible that the plane, unable to identify itself, could have been shot down by a country who detected it on its radar. A plane flying without lights and unable to identify itself is definitely a potential threat. After realizing what had happened, the country may have tried to cover it up to avoid being at fault of an international incident. However, if this were to be the case, the country would be digging itself into a bigger hole by keeping the plane hidden for this long.

4) Aliens.

Why is the Malaysian plane missing? Where did it go? Simple answer. Aliens. Why would aliens want one of our planes you ask? Who the fuck knows. They’re aliens. Maybe they want the 239 missing passengers? Maybe they want to put it in some alien museum on their homeworld? Maybe they’re just interested to see how we react. Whatever the case, this is an option simply because it cannot be proven otherwise.

http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130521224912/alienfilm/images/7/77/ThreeGreys.jpg

And yes, I do think one of the 26 countries looking for this thing knows where it is. It’s just a matter of which one.

BOOM We're in Business!

What’s that? You don’t think our blog name is funny? Well fuck you kindly, sir. Go find a sense of humor.

What’s up guys welcome to Two Guys One Blog. Here, we will be discussing a variety of things ranging from well-known current events to the dumb shit we did the past weekend. Regardless of the story we guarantee you’ll have a good time.

So at this point you might be wondering who are these “Two Guys”? I’m Ben. My Partner is Evan. We love America, We drink, we fuck, we slack off, and we come up with bogus ideas on how to make money in our spare time. That’s all you’re getting, I didn’t ask about you did I?

Basically, this is how you should be feeling about this post right now: it’s the dawn of a new age ladies and gents.

Let the shit show begin.

Ps. Fuck yeah America

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