Showing posts with label America. Show all posts
Showing posts with label America. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Evan's First Post

by Evan

Holy shit is this the first time I'm posting on my own blog? Fuck yes it is and it's great to be here.  So ya maybe Ben got a little head start with 15 god damn posts before I even put up 1, but but it takes time to be this good at what I do. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm lazy as all hell. Actually getting around to writing a post has taken me so long, I'm not sure Ben even thinks we're doing this blog thing anymore. I'm not even talking about relevant shit here, I just figured I might offer you the chance to get to know me before you waste a few precious minutes of your life actually reading the shit I write. And if it wasn't clear yet, this isn't gonna be a pg-13 fucking blog. I'm gonna write about the shit I wanna write about, and I'll say what I wanna say dammit. Freedom of speech, it's in the constitution, and that shit's like the bible.

All of my posts come with a side of freedom, and red, white, and blue for dessert. I'm pretty sure you can't even call yourself an American if you don't own at least one shirt with an eagle or a flag on it. The founding fathers definitely wrote that somewhere in the Declaration of Independence. Like "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men should rock USA attire at least once a week or thou est not a bro."

So ya, I guess what I'm really trying to say is enjoy the blog and USA! USA! USA!

scolbert
http://hypervocal.com/news/2012/badass-patriotic-drawings-july-4/

Saturday, March 29, 2014

March Madness Reaches the Elite Eight

By Ben















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So obviously this time of year everybody is talking about March madness. Basketball this basketball that so and so is going all the way yada yada yada. So coming from somebody who is not that into March Madness- My bracket sucks. Absolutely fucking sucks. Like I should probably never participate in March Madness again it was so bad. The only thing I've still got going for me is the fact that I chose Michigan to come out victorious. I'm predicting Arizona vs Michigan and a Michigan state vs Florida final four. How confident am I? Way more confident than I should be. Final is going to be Michigan vs Florida with Michigan taking the Ship. Count on it.

A Moron's Guide to Getting A Girl Back to Your Room

By Ben
















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So many of you out there probably don't get laid that often. We've all got something working against us, whether its shitty game, a small dick, or an out of shape body you don't love to show off. There are ways around these things, however. And no I don't mean take "Extenze" or hit the gym (get off your lazy ass and do it anyway).

The fact of the matter is not a single human being on this planet understands women. Not even other women understand women. There are practically different classes of women for Christ's sake. There's the preppy girl, the slut, the tanning obsessor, the party animal, the athlete, the good girl, the girl who respects her body the committed student, the daddy's little girl, and many many more. Does one method work for every category of girl? NO ABSOLUTELY NOT.

You've gotta create your plan of attack differently depending on the type of girl you're going after. For example, party girls and sluts are much more likely to go home from a party with you than a good girl or a girl who respects her body. You've gotta know when you're willing to play the long game and more importantly when you're going to need to/ whether or not its worth it.

For this post we're going to focus on the party girls and sluts who are just out there trying to have a good time.

Say you're at a house party and people are dancing and you see an absolute smoke leaning up against the wall. What do you say to her? Some people like to try a corny pickup line, however this (despite being occasionally effective) is unreliable. Just go up to her not seeming too interested and strike up a conversation. Don't be a pussy. RADIATE CONFIDENCE. I can not highlight this enough, girls fucking love confident guys. You're sexy and you know it, smile, wink, flirt, charm the shit out of her. Eventually, if everything is going well, ask her to dance.

Okay so now you're dancing. You've gotta feel this part out carefully and read the signals she's sending. If shes dancing like a huge whore (I'm talking she puts your hands on her tits and she's completely bent over) you're probably in. If she dances with you for two songs and shows no signs of being bored or wanting to dance with someone else, its safe to go in for the neck kiss. Statistics show that 100% of girls love it when their necks get kissed.

You're kissing her neck now. She's probably getting more into the dancing, maybe taking your hands and putting them on her tits or crotch area (if you hadn't put them there yourself already). Eventually (usually like 15-30 seconds) after you start kissing her neck she'll turn her head and start making out with you. At this point you're doing fucking fantastic, keep it up. After a minute or two of this she'll turn around and you'll grind from the front and continue making out. You're killing it bro, I'm envious right now.

Now here's the huge make it or break it: getting her back to the room. You know you want her to go back, you think she wants to go back, how do you execute. First of all make sure it's been long enough/it's late enough (no girl wants to go back at 10:30). Also, make sure you've been dancing long enough and hooking up long enough that she's not just gonna bounce to the next guy but not go back with you. You've gotta make sure she's definitely interested in getting it in. If that's the case you've got a question to ask.

Do you wanna get out of here? This party is lame, let's go back to the dorms. I've got this KICKASS vodka back in my room if you wanna come take a shot with me? Any of these work however I usually use the vodka one (I always have some in my fridge, whether its an exciting brand or not). Pray to god she says yes, and after that enjoy yourself son.

You've Gotta Be Allowed to Drink After a Double OT Victory, Right?

By Ben















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Alright so here's what happened; yesterday after a thrilling double overtime victory for my college lacrosse team a bunch of the guys decided to go out. Our coach has a very strict "48 hour rule" where we cannot drink 48 hours before a game. We do have a game Saturday which means that drinking on Thursday night would be violating this rule. The guys went out anyway, were seen by a senior who was sober, and got ratted on to coach. Now there are eleven kids on our team who are suspended for tomorrows game.

Is this a dickhead move on coaches part or the seniors part? The coach should understand the need to celebrate after a win like that one! Let up, let the kids live who fucking cares if they have a few beers after getting a W? The senior technically did the right thing by telling coach, but still seems a little shitty to me. Settle it with the guys, punish them in a way that doesn't get them suspended. Just seems unnecessary. What do you guys think? Answer in the comments section.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Wilfork, You Back Bro?

By Ben










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What’s that? I’m a little late to the “Vince Wilfork staying in New England” party? Yeah, I am, I needed my beauty sleep.
Whatever. Moral of the story is this fucking animal is staying in New England! Look at Belichick working wonders per usual. We lose Talib and replace him with an upgrade, add offensive weapons to Brady’s arsenal, and manage to hold on to arguably our best defensive player after he requests a release. Magic. Pure fucking magic.
3 years $22.5 million with $3 million guarenteed? Jesus christ I wish I was good at football.
Also, don’t overlook the fact that this means that Wilfork will almost definitely retire a patriot. That’s huge. Vince is one of the guys people think about when they think New England Patriots. It would have been a real shame to have to see him go.
Also, belichick right now:




























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Where the Fuck is the Malaysian Plane?

By Ben
Alright so at this point I’m sure all of you have heard about the Malaysian plane that went missing. 239 passengers and the thing just vanishes into thin air. How is that possible? It’s not. It’s also hard to imagine someone landing this thing and tricking several countries radars. Whatever the case, here are a few possibilities that I think are feasible.
1) The plane was taken by a terrorist group or country to be used as a weapon.
Especially after 9/11 the United States is especially cautious when it comes to air traffic control and protection. It is feasible that an unknown party seized control of the plane with the intention of loading it full of explosives and using it in some sort of 9/11. However, for this to be possible, the group would have had to fly the plane through several countries radar systems undetected as well as land the plane (which is no easy task with a plane that big). It’s most likely not in a hangar since most hangars of the size needed for this plane are known by the government and most likely have already been searched. Now, it is possible that the airliner could have flown in another planes “shadow” (flying close enough that the two planes come up as one blip on a radar) and there WAS a plane heading the direction they diverted to, however they would have had to fly as close as 1000m for this to trick military radars. For this to be possible every single passenger on board must be dead (RIP). They could not simply collect phones, someone would find a way to hide it. They could have potentially flown to 45,000 ft and depressurized the cabin. Air masks would fall but they run out in 12-15 minutes. In this scenario the pilots too would perish unless they had a separate supply of oxygen which is entirely possible. Is it possible? Yes. Likely? Maybe not so much. Absolutely fucking terrifying if this is what happened? 100%.
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2) terrorists shot it down as practice. 
Terrorists 100% do have the fire power to shoot this thing down. Why would I think they did it as practice and not simply an act of terrorism? If it was an intended act of terrorism the group responsible would have taken credit for it and tried to strike fear in the hearts of countries around the world. Instead, nobody says anything. Why else but they used it as a practice run unless they have some twisted underlying purpose. There are weapons that would annihilate this plane and leave no trace or debris to be found. Definitely feasible, however I think this option is unlikely.














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3) Electrical malfunction on board caused an international incident.
It’s entirely possible that the electronics on board the plane malfunctioned which caused the plane to go into emergency protocol and change route to the nearest airport. This would explain the change of course without relay to the radio control towers. If this were to happen it is possible that the plane, unable to identify itself, could have been shot down by a country who detected it on its radar. A plane flying without lights and unable to identify itself is definitely a potential threat. After realizing what had happened, the country may have tried to cover it up to avoid being at fault of an international incident. However, if this were to be the case, the country would be digging itself into a bigger hole by keeping the plane hidden for this long.
4) Aliens.
Why is the Malaysian plane missing? Where did it go? Simple answer. Aliens. Why would aliens want one of our planes you ask? Who the fuck knows. They’re aliens. Maybe they want the 239 missing passengers? Maybe they want to put it in some alien museum on their homeworld? Maybe they’re just interested to see how we react. Whatever the case, this is an option simply because it cannot be proven otherwise.











http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130521224912/alienfilm/images/7/77/ThreeGreys.jpg



And yes, I do think one of the 26 countries looking for this thing knows where it is. It’s just a matter of which one.

BOOM We're in Business!

What’s that? You don’t think our blog name is funny? Well fuck you kindly, sir. Go find a sense of humor.
What’s up guys welcome to Two Guys One Blog. Here, we will be discussing a variety of things ranging from well-known current events to the dumb shit we did the past weekend. Regardless of the story we guarantee you’ll have a good time.
So at this point you might be wondering who are these “Two Guys”? I’m Ben. My Partner is Evan. We love America, We drink, we fuck, we slack off, and we come up with bogus ideas on how to make money in our spare time. That’s all you’re getting, I didn’t ask about you did I?
Basically, this is how you should be feeling about this post right now: it’s the dawn of a new age ladies and gents.


Let the shit show begin.
Ps. Fuck yeah America








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